"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Galatians 5:22
In my previous blog post, I wrote about how I felt gentle nudging to write about the fruit of the Spirit and to break down each of the characters and talk about how they relate to us rearing our children. Our first attribute is love. The concordance in my Bible lists 326 verses that contain the word "love." That must mean that love is a pretty big deal. It is also interesting to note that in Bible times, it was harder for a writer to get an important message across since tools such as bold font or italics were still far into the future. Important words/phrases/messages were relayed through repetition (thus the 326 verses about love) and the most important person/topic/idea was often listed first, as in our theme verse. As if that wasn't enough to stress the importance of love, Paul spells it out for us in 1 Corinthians 13:13 when he wrote, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Love is the reason why God saved us from our sins. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life." I have heard that verse my entire life, but when I sit and really reflect on that, I realize what a heavy verse that is. As a parent, I can't even imagine how heart-wrenching it must have been for the Father to watch his Son suffer for mankind. But Jesus was going to conquer death because He loves us that much to sacrifice Himself. While studying this topic, I wanted to focus on how Jesus showed love while He was on earth. While there are many, many ways, I narrowed it down to five: quality time, discipline, forgiveness, prayer and serving.
Quality Time. Throughout the Gospels, we read about how Jesus was almost always with His disciples. Even when He was teaching to large crowds, He would often withdraw with His disciples (Mark 3:7, 13). With His Twelve, He ate, traveled, preached, healed and fished. The night that He was betrayed by Judas, Jesus knew what was going to happen and spent His last night with His disciples where the first communion was served. If you love someone, then you need to spend quality time with them to cultivate the relationship. The same is true with our kids. Obviously we love them, but sometimes that quality time piece is easy to drop. Between soccer, Girl Scouts, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, and so on, we sometimes lose that one-on-one time with our wee ones. Being a list-oriented person who bases the success of a day on the tasks completed, this is a tough one for me. Especially since reading Baby Beluga for the tenth time doesn't really thrill me. One way I make sure I get quality time with my kids is at bedtime. I leave my phone downstairs. I talk and coo at Sadie while I bathe and nurse her. After she is down for the night, I get Zachary ready for bed and when he is in his jammies, we snuggle in the chair in his room while he brushes his teeth. I scratch his back or his legs and we talk about the day. I think he looks forward to it too because he knows he has my undivided attention and I honestly feel like my heart grows bigger during this time.
Discipline. Sometimes it is hard to understand why discipline is a form of love - especially if you are the one being disciplined, but all discipline should be rooted in love. Jesus would rebuke His disciples (the biggest offender was Peter) not because He wanted to show them how He was right but because He loved them and wanted what was best for them. Hebrews 12:6 says, "because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." When I tell Zachary not to climb up the backrest of our kitchen chairs, it's not because I don't want him to have fun, it's because I don't want him to fall and get hurt. Unfortunately, sometimes Zachary needs to learn that lesson the hard way - yep, he fell off the chair and nailed his head, but don't we do the same thing? Don't we do what we think is best sometimes instead of what God knows is best? And then we fall and nail our heads and realize we should have done it God's way to begin with. I often think about this when I am disciplining Zachary. I get so frustrated with him when he doesn't listen to me, but how often does God get frustrated with me for the same offense? Revelation 3:19 says, "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent."
Forgiveness. This word feels heavy and light all at the same time, it just depends on whether you are the one giving or receiving the forgiveness. Jesus told a parable about a servant who owed his master a great deal of money. After pleading for his life, the servant was pardoned by his master and his debt was canceled. That same servant left his master and ran into a fellow servant who owed him a small amount of money. He demanded the debt be paid and refused the man mercy when he could not pay and threw him in prison. The master found out what happened and was furious. He called the servant and said, "You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" (Matthew 18:23-35). Shouldn't we have mercy on our fellow servants just as the Lord has mercy on us?
I know it is hard. I know about the excuses; I have used them myself. "She really hurt me." "That is just unforgivable." "You don't know what happened." "He will just do it again." What if the excuses we use not to forgive others, God used not to forgive us? After all, he gave his Son - a HUGE sacrifice. He could easily say, I am not going to let my Son's death pardon the pride that Pam Carlson exhibited last week. He could, but he doesn't. Not only are we called to forgive (Mark 11:25), we should want to because it is so freeing! Grudges are heavy, ugly and unbecoming. We can't let our children think this is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Model forgiveness for your kids when you are in a conflict. Use the words "I forgive you" the first time they tell you they are sorry. I heard a story about a boy who did something rotten to his mother and when he finally mustered up the courage to apologize, her response was, "I already forgave you." What a beautiful thing to say. Imagine the weight that must have lifted off his shoulders hearing that.
Prayer. Jesus knew that in order to get the most out of His time on earth and complete His Father's will, He needed to talk to the Father and He needed to do it often. He would pray alone and He would pray with others. Jesus prayed to offer up praise to his Father (Matthew 11:25-26), He prayed for protection over His disciples - which also includes Christians today - (John 17:6-26), He prayed for forgiveness of those who wronged Him (Luke 23:34), and He prayed as an example as to how we should pray (Matthew 6:13). Just as Jesus modeled this for his disciples, we need to do the same for our kiddos. How are our kids going to know how to pray if they never see Mom or Dad talking to the Lord?
Serving. I would venture to say that moms reading this last one just let out an audible scoff because if anyone knows anything about serving, it's moms. Serving is what we do from the minute we wake up in the morning, until the moment we lay our heads down at night - which is not a break because we are still "on call" and especially if there is a little baby who requires nightly feedings. Many days "serving yourself" means going to the bathroom alone while your littles are napping - if you're lucky. But take heart because you are in company! Mark 10:45 says, "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a random for many." So the way I see it, we are already mimicking our Lord by serving our families; however, many of us - myself included - just need a little attitude adjustment.
Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." I don't know about you but I often feel like my kids are my human masters, so instead of begrudgingly completing a task - which I often do - I need to think about how I am completing that task for the Lord. When I am folding laundry, I need to think about how I have working arms to fold laundry and be grateful for the clean clothes that I can put on my family's backs and put a smile in my heart as I fold laundry for the Lord. When I am unloading the dishwasher, I need to think about how those dishes held food that fed my family and be thankful that I don't know what true hunger is and I need to put a smile in my heart as I put away the dishes for the Lord. When I am changing a diaper, I need to be grateful that my kids' bodies are working properly and I don't have to spend time in hospitals because they are healthy. I need to be grateful that I can afford diapers and that I can be the one changing their diaper and not someone at a daycare facility. I need to put a smile in my heart and change those poopy diapers for the Lord! I know it seems silly, but I have done this and I am telling you, it not only make the task more pleasant I know it pleases the Lord to know that we are using our abilities to glorify him even with something mundane.
Now that we have delved into love, let's talk about how we can apply what we have learned to our parenting and to our kids.
This week's parent goal: To consciously love on your kids each day.
1. What can you do to intentionally spend quality time with each of your kids?
Maybe mornings are your best time and you can read Clifford books in bed with your kids before you start your day. Maybe you have a one-on-one lunch date while the baby is sleeping. Maybe you stagger bedtimes so you can have snuggles while your kids brush their teeth. Figure out what works best for your family and your personalities and get that time in every day. You'll never look back on your life and think, "I wish I held my babies less."
2. Take the time to explain the "why" of the discipline consequence.
When I was a kid, I always hated when grown ups would answer my "why's" with "Because I said so!" Would you accept that answer if your boss/neighbor/friend said that to you? No, so why do we expect our kids to be pacified with that answer? Explaining a consequence takes more time and patience, but it shows the child that you care about them, not about your power over them. It is also important to note that the timing of this conversation is crucial. When Zachary hits me and I put him in time out, while he is screaming in anger is not a good time to explain that hitting hurts Mommy and it is not how we solve problems. I wait until he is calm so he can actually listen to my words.
3. Model forgiveness.
If our children don't see us forgiving, they will not be inclined to forgive either. A great opportunity to model forgiveness is after you have explained the "why" of the discipline consequence. That is generally when I tell Zachary that I love him and I forgive him. After I give him a hug and we go on with our day, I don't continue to hold his past poor judgement over his head. That will only teach him that I haven't forgiven him, which will in turn teach him that he can't trust my words. I want to be more like that mom who said, "I have already forgiven you" because that is how Jesus answers us when we repent. Let's do the same to our kids.
4. Let your kids play a more active role in prayer times.
When we pray, we always ask Zachary who he wants to pray and he will choose someone. Then we ask him what he wants to pray for. His prayer requests are generally the same everyday: Dada, Aunt Worwah, Eric, Trish-AH, Brucie-Bruce (and then he often goes back and repeats everyone in case I forgot) Then when he is ready, he closes his eyes and prepares his heart for prayer. My heart melts every single time we pray and we do so quite often throughout the day. I think he likes to pray because first of all, he saw Troy and I pray before he could talk and secondly, because he is a participant of the prayer. Ask your kids who should pray, or take turns. Make it fun and do a popcorn prayer where whoever is praying, when finished says "Popcorn, Dad!" now it is Dad's turn to pray. Teach you kids early that talking to the Lord is a vital part of our daily routine.
5. Fold your clothes for the Lord!
Remember that the Lord blessed you with special abilities that are unique to you. When you are completing a task think about how you can be grateful for what you are doing and put a smile in your heart and do it for the Lord.
This week's application for kids:
1. Blessing your kiddos.
A friend told me about a great book by Mary Ruth Swope called The Power of Blessing Your Children. In her forward she explains why she wrote this book of blessings. Her last paragraph says this:
"We can expect God to do great and marvelous deeds when we call forth the promises of His Word for our loved one. As you bless your children in the name of the Lord, you will see God fill their lives with good things and bring full salvation even to your children's children. (See Psalm 102:17-18)"
Use this blessing Swope wrote about love on your kids this week.
"In the name of Jesus Christ:
I bless you with the will to love God with all your heart and with the ability to do so all the days of your life.
I also bless you with a deep desire to love both your parents with true affection for as long as you live. Loving God first and your parents next will undoubtedly lead to your loving yourself and your neighbors as yourself. I bless you with this kinds of love.
I bless you with the understanding to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you. I flood you with the knowledge of how precious you are to God, to your family and to your friends."
2. Try an activity that explains love to your kids.
Zachary is only two and Sadie is three months, so I needed something that wasn't going to take a lot of preparation or create a huge mess that would be overwhelming. I took a piece of red construction paper and cut out a large heart. I asked Zachary what it was and he smiled and attempted to say the shape name. I told him that a heart is a symbol of love and I told him that Mama loves him very much. Then I got out a marker and told him some of the things that I loved about him and wrote them on the heart. I hung the heart up on the bulletin board in our kitchen as a reminder. Then I told Zachary that Jesus loves all these things about him too, and much much more! Try something with your kids that is a visual reminder of how much you love them and how much more God loves them.
3. Weekly Scripture Challenge
Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week. Encourage your children to do so too!
"Love one another as I have loved you."
John 13:34
Be sure to share your experiences with this topic. What did you learn about yourself/your kids/the Lord? What activities did you do with your kids to teach them about love? I would love to hear them!